"If Earth is spinning, why my front door is always facing east?"

A work colleague coming in the day after a visit to the zoo telling us that panthers aren't really pink.

"I went to Spain last summer." "Where is that? Mexico?" My eye twitched so hard that I thought it might fall out.

"The government wants you to think we're running out of oil, we're not because it comes from bones. We could extract it from chicken bones". I was fascinated by how he had interpreted fossil fuels and then come to the most hilariously wrong conclusion.

I have seizures and I had somebody ask me if they were contagious. My cousin was right next to me and elbowed me and whispered for me to start coughing. By the way, my cousin is blind and when I started coughing she chucked her cane behind her fake panicking that she suddenly couldn’t see and the guy ran away so he wouldn't “catch the seizures”. My cousin busted out laughing when she heard him run off saying she wished she could see his reaction and that it must have been priceless. I explained what it looked like to her and she fell onto the ground laughing. She’s just as evil too when people ask her dumb questions about her being blind as she had someone ask her today if it was deadly even though she was born blind.

While standing in the middle of Disney World and staring at a foldable paper map of the park in her own hands, my sister in law goes, "Why doesn't this map tell me where I am? These maps usually have a little arrow that says something like 'You are here' so you know where you're at."

“Evolution is b******t. If I threw a million people off the Empire State Building, *not one of them* would evolve wings!” Yeah, Randall (his real name because f**k him), that’s not evolution, that’s magic. Now go back to getting drunk after church and driving your kids home, and when you come back to work, don’t forget to f**k another 18 year old server on the tables after close. Don’t worry, I’m sure your wife will never know. Idiot scumbag.

"Why should I be responsible for my son's late fees?" I dunno, lady. Maybe because he's 12 and can't get a job yet? Also there's the matter of the letter you and he signed when he got his library card that says you're responsible for any fines on the account, as his parent or legal guardian. Just a shot in the dark.

Actually a doctor. So hear me out. September 18th 2021, my mother unfortunately passed away. Her and I both had Covid, as we lived together and unfortunately her body couldn’t handle it. This lead to anxiety, panic attacks, stress, and guilt. I felt like it was my fault for my mother's death. Anyway, to the doctor. I decided in December that I couldn’t go on the way I was. I was never leaving my boyfriend's house. I chose to go to therapy in seek of some help with my issues. When I got an intake appointment, I had to see a doctor there to prescribe, what I expected to be an antidepressant. The moment I sat down, I already had a weird vibe from him. He was quiet, his tone was dull. We started going over my charts and why I was there, etc. and I told him everything he needed to know. I told him about my guilt, and a prior issue I had even before my mother's death. I have a phobia of vomiting, so I brought it up. This doctor told me to just “throw up”, and i would no longer be afraid. He then proceeded to say that I was a very anxious person who is “on the spectrum”. and finally, the KICKER, he told me all my loved ones would go to hell. Needless to say, I walked out of there sobbing my eyes out. I called the place to file a complaint and thankfully—haven’t seen that man since.

The first person I dated after my amputation, freaked out over it and said to stay away because they didn't want to catch what I had, as if amputations due to cancer are contagious. This was right when Myspace had started getting popular, and texting costed you like, 10cents per text.

My ex’s brother in full confidence said lava was 2 words. Tried to explain its 2 syllables, not words. I was the idiot apparently. For context, we were watching a Phineas and Ferb movie they were all on a chain over lava. Phineas tells them to let go of the cliff and Candace says something along the lines of “I have 1 word for you! LA-VA!” And then his brother looked at us and proudly said “that’s 2 words, dumba&s”. He was/is notorious for having little to no common sense.

One of my ex-coworkers was convinced that the sun and the moon were the same thing. He thought it turned around at night and became the moon. He was astonished one morning when I pointed to the moon in broad daylight. I thought he was going to have a panic attack. Luckily, we were sharing a joint behind the warehouse and he calmed down a bit. He still didn’t fully understand and kept glancing at the sky for the rest of our shift.

A colleague of mine thought jellyfish were a myth.

That of course Cats and Dogs are opposites, like the opposite of up is down etc. And that of course they're not mammals...

"Why did the attorney withdraw from my case?" "Because you didn't respond to our emails and you failed to appear in court." "But I don't check my email." B***h, you hired us by email. Second favorite: "They never saw me driving, though." "Ed, you were passed out in the driver's seat next to an empty bottle of vodka, covered in your own urine. They're gonna suspect you were driving drunk." "Yeah, but who saw me driving though?"

Went to make dinner reservation for “a quarter to 7.” The hostess on the phone said they didn’t have anything available at that time but has a table available for 6:45.

A girl once asked how drugs were sold. I told her the black market. Then she shouts in front of everyone. “Wow, that’s SO racist.”

Fellow in my class said Ketanji Brown was not suited for the role of supreme court justice because she's a "woman" and is "soft" thus she will "get too attached to cases".

That public libraries are irrelevant in today's society.

There was an advocate on TV for science education for women. She said "Not enough teenage girls are studying science, we need to turn this around 360°."

Someone once tried to convince me that my coat makes me gay.

Pregnant with my first at the time. Was dragged over to my in-law's place for my husband's birthday lunch or whatever I was required to show my face at. They're not the most intelligent people despite holding degrees, but this is forever burned in my mind: " ...don't let your OB do the ultrasound too long! No more than 10 seconds or you'll fry the baby alive!" My MIL teaches ultrasound technology at a local college. And she told me this. She was always into fear mongering, but good god, all I could do was stare at her dumbfounded and eventually say, "uh, no, that's not how ultrasounds work..." Bonus just because it's a common stupidity. My FIL claims you can't get COVID if you're vaccinated. He works in the medical field.

"If people evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?"

Bit of a story but many a year ago I was eating with my now ex. It was 2am, and an older lady came into the place and asked if someone can give her a ride home, her car had broken down, she worked in the plaza and showed us her work ID, so we gave her a ride, wasn't very far. No idea how the conversation ended up about jurassic Park but it did. She said she took her kids to see it when it came out and one of them asked "how do they keep the dinosaurs from running out of the view of the camera?" We all laughed and she said "you believed he asked that???" My ex said "idk maybe they have people off camera making sure they stay in the shot?" Both look at my ex in complete disbelief. She didn't understand why we were shocked until I said "they were CGI tiff..." the sudden realization on her face was incredible.

Years ago, I was living in South Dakota and went to Michigan to visit family for Christmas. My aunt asked me if the cold weather in Michigan was bothering me. I confusingly told her that the weather in South Dakota is about the same, if not colder. She was shocked and said she didn't remember seeing any cold spells on the weather channel, in the South. That's when it dawned on me that she thought South Dakota was in the south part of the US because it has the word "south" as part of the name. My whole view of her shattered at that moment.

Years ago a couple proudly told me they had been going to Spanish classes for a year because they wanted to immigrate to Brazil. When I pointed out that they speak Portuguese not Spanish, I got told that ALL of Latin America speaks Spanish! Even bigger idiot: I thought everyone was in on the brown cows make chocolate milk joke. But apparently there was still some idiot who wholeheartedly believed it.

Something about how heating food in microwaves is really bad for your health, because they make food radioactive, so you shouldn't use them. The guy was also a hard drug addict...

“Don’t run outside in the winter, your lungs will crystallize. It’s not good for you.” Said while smoking a cigarette. Yes, the WATER in your lungs can crystallize and destroy your cells at very low temperatures, but I did some reading and sports doctors say there’s no chance of this happening above -50C/-68F. It was the sanctimonious dismissal of running as a healthy activity combined with the idea of a lung somehow crystallizing (?) that sealed the deal for me on this one.

Glass is made from wool.

A friend of a friend was badly injured in a bike accident. A car blew a red light going west, causing the biker going north (who had the right of way) to plow into the car and flip over it. This person said the biker deserved to be hurt because they're the one that crashed into the car.

Mexico is the capital of Spain.

My cousin insisted that her ex husband, who she cheated on multiple times including on their wedding day, owed her child support for the daughter she had before she met him.